The oneshots of DOOM
by Lincolnthearcher
Summary: Totally random oneshots of ssb characters. Don't give me credit, Archsage12 and Silverhairedmaiden did it first. Don't expect it to make sense either. CHAPTER 1: Kirby drinks too much... Coffee?
1. Chapter 1

**AND I'M BACK! How are you all today! So this is my first ssb fic, and i am going to do 15 oneshots for different characters. If you're wondering, it will be using my main oc, Lincoln, who if basically an archer guy who can use magic too. so this first one is Kirby. **

**When i own smash bros, I'll bring back Roy.**

_**What if Kirby was randomly pissed at everyone**_

He was usually a gentle soul.

SMASH. But this was not a usual day.

"Where is it! WHERE IS IT! WHERE THE F*** IS THE COFFEE!"

Yeah, that's Kirby.

Zelda knew we were running out of coffee, but forgot to tell Master Hand. One small mistake evolved into one fatal situation.

"I WANT TO SEE EVERY SMASHER IN THE MAIN HALL NOW!" Yelled Kirby. Yep, he sounds furious.

"Or what, pansy puf-" This statement by a certain Gerudo king was interrupted by a loud squelch, followed by the trademark melody of a 1-up mushroom.

Within five minutes, everyone was in the main hall. "Now, I called you here for a reason." Began Kirby in a deadly sweet voice. "I came to ask WHO TOOK THE LAST OF THE F****** COFFEE! I WANNA KNOW SO I CAN KICK THEIR A$$!"

"Er, um-alright, it was m-m-me!" Spoke a small voice from the back of the crowd. Jigglypuff. Poor jiggly.

"SO IT WAS YOU! BRAWL ME, NOW! YOU TOO, FORGETFUL!" Kirby screeched, pointing at Zelda. Link gasped and stood in front Zelda protectively. "YOU WANNA GO TOO, TIGHTS BOY? FINE!

-brawl-  
Kirby VS link, Zelda, Jigglypuff

Ready... GOGAME!

THIS GAMES WINNER IS... KIRBY!

... Wait, what?

Everyone stood in disbelief as Kirby did a victory dance. Behind him, Jigglypuff was completely flat; link was sporting a black eye, a bloody nose and several complex fractures. And Zelda... Let's not go into that.

Just then, the fastest hedgehog alive zoomed in with a steaming mug of the brown stuff.

"FINALLY! MOAR COFFEE! GIMME GIMME GIMME!"

More?

**Review plz!**


	2. Chapter 2: Trouble on the SS crapper

**It's a sign from heaven! I shall continue writing this fic! I was about to quit, until I got a review from archsage12 herself! (the inspiration for this fic. Go check it.) Apparently, she liked it and sent in a review. And so, I decided to continue writing this... Several months ago. Yeah. I'm lazy. I'm shelving my original idea for this chapter (samus x wolf, don't ask.) And going with this. Hope its enjoyable, and REVIEW. kthxbai!**

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Trouble on the S.S. Crapper  
Starring Ike

As you probably already know, the denizens of the smash mansion enjoyed pranks. A lot. One common prank was sprung on mewtwo whenever he was getting too uppity (Which happens a lot, by the way.)

It's a very simple setup, usually carried out by Ness (read: Lucas) or Roy most of the time. You're gonna love this. You see, generally Mewtwo just teleports into his bathroom, because he's too lazy to open the door. So all you need is a live video stream in the corner of the room, and a Unira under the toilet seat.

But one day, Roy screwed up. I have no idea what happened, but somehow, he got it under Ike's toilet seat instead. Ike was p*****-and stuck.

We tried everything to get him out. Dynamite, multiple crowbars, Hell, we tried giving Ganondorf a wrecking ball. It didn't help, but w got watch him get stabbed in the face after calling Ike a whiny s***

We eventually called master hand about it. However, he told us that there are only two things that can retract a Unira's spikes. A smasher's weapon, or a maiden's kiss.

We tried weapons first.

Unfortunately, there was the issue of trust. Under normal circumstances, Ike would have let either Marth, Roy, or Link do it. Because of "recent circumstances," however, Roy was not allowed with Fūin no Tsurugi "down there". As Ike said, "that little s***'s gonna stab me in the balls first d*** chance he gets." Marth also would not put Falchion "down there," because he did not want "Ike juice" on the blade. Link would, but supposedly, the master sword wouldn't let him.

So we tried a maiden's kiss. Unfortunately, the reactions were not pleasant. Zelda blushed, Samus shot the messenger (with a stun gun), and Peach informed us she wasn't technically a maiden anymore.

So, we were stumped, until Roy had the idea of contacting Tellius through magic. We did so, and pretty soon, we had our maiden.

The Maiden wished to remain anonymous, and shall stay so. However, The Maiden allowed us to leave some clues. First clue: not royalty. Second clue: not sword fighter. Third clue: not woman, but dark haired bishonen sage.

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**Please know that I do not ship Ike x Soren, or any other yaoi/yuri pairing. It is simply for humor purposes. For the record, it's actually Ike x Mia. No flames, please. Flames will be fed to Kirby, who will then hunt you down. Remember chapter 1? Yeah.**

**I JUST LOVE THREATENING YOU PEOPLE.**


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